Deep mute shouts from a broken soul

It happened again, I think it is the only thing I write in here, I don't know if I will learn someday. I don't get if I don't choose them right, if I'll choose right or if this will keep happening till I get to know who I am and my real value as a person... 
I don't know anything.

It is just so painful and I don't know, I keep trying and trying to put my trust in people ("mis brazos insisten en abrazar al mundo" A. P.), but I can't, just can't because of the high expectations I put on them (and why?) I wonder then, if I'm being able one day of an "enough indifference" and of not getting so deeply, emotionally involved on other people's affairs once they started voluntarily to open themselves to me (or at last that's what I thought)

The big thing is why, why did I loose so much of my precious time with such type of people that don't give a shit what I think, what I say, what I am.

I guess i thought they really did, but it wasn't real, I might have been manipulated then.

On the other side, I'm worried because if I want to work with people but have so many hard times sometimes, how will I do it? Will I be able one day to act colder?
And then the problem is that I don't wanna be even colder as I am right now, I don't wanna belong to that "shitty-indifferent-mass" that doesn't worry neither see others and/or consider their problems as real ones, as valuable ones. (Maybe that's the thing I'm seeking and trying to find on other beings...)  But maybe these last weeks have been too much for me and my fragile soul. I haven't stopped and I guess if it is because now I encounter people more often as before owing to a contingency called B, the best not human companion in this shitty world that I let down more than a month ago.

Now I'm paying it, or I don't know, I just want to believe that I deserve it to believe that it could get over someday all this shitty experiences, which should already have made me a ''woman of steel" in the best of my dreams, but I keep falling down, I keep talking to mistaken people, I keep thinking they're worth it. But then, who is significant if I expect so many things from them?

Maybe, I just don't know how to separate the "not that bad ones" from "the bad ones" and my mind keeps working as "categorizer" from "bad" and "good", but those don't exist. 
Finally, who knows if maybe one day I'll be capable of hearing without getting into or almost into tears, of seeing without feeling guilty, of accepting reality but at the same time being willing to change it for better. Achieving to not be part of that indifference that rules this world these days, keeping myself as real as possible.
I want to care about others but I don't wanna get broken on the way... Is that possible?

And all those aren't mute shouts anymore, just almost dead wishes...

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Now, I can just do what I do every night on those days,

pretending to be happy, 

acting as nothing really happens and skipping reality 

through ways that won't heal anything ever. 

So there is just one to blame in here

and that is...

It is me.