good girl, normal girl, normal person

I'm not.

I know it for sure

Normal people don't have to struggle with their thoughts about other people's intentions and are able to keep relationships in the long term

DesadaptadX

SILENT VOICE

X on the faces

Groups groups again

I can even touch them now

Before it wasn't clear to see the truth 

 it was blurry

Now... 

I See people on the streets

Finally 

After exploding as an eternal flame - as i am really-, after being sat as a fuckin' good girl for 2 hours

All hair taken out

All clothes changed 

Listen 

But not raising up my own needs

When will I dare to say no

Fuck. 

There is only 2 people i think about

Well 3 

But i don't know them really

They are all strangers 

When getting to know a person deeper

I get easily bored or disappointed

Well those 2 people i saw today, homeless probably, at different moments of the night crossed the streets not caring about if they would be driven by the cars and crossing with red lights

They just looked at the floor, kept on walking and dodged people like not caring if they would die and knowing that no one would care either

Reminded me at those times in the pandemics 

feeling useless and transparent

And before when i didn't have a job, a stable one.

Transparent useless overlooked

Even if it wasn't true. I felt it. It didn't matter, because nobody called, nobody remembered me either. 

Now, at these times obviously I forgot it, being taken attention sometimes at the peaks and when i did a lot of shit for them and reproducing their culture. The one they sold us. 

And then at my beautiful birthday. Nothing. Or almost. (Some certain people remembered and wrote these 2 simple words.) 

But

All the show. 

Attention. 

Gone. 

Then you notice, i don't owe them anything.

Thank you for seeing me, for the job. But now I won't be that sad if it gets over, because i know now: "too much show but not so much support for the causes you say you are worried about climate change gender inequality." 

Where is it?

In the people, in certain people, because some are fake and just wsnt to appear on the show. 

But you as a big fish swimming in the water eat tiny ones. You grow in numbers, but you forget about the people behind unless we shine because of the contacts and actions we have made.

That's sad. Contradiction.

It is like seeing a guy that was about to be fired of a client's account but he by himself as part of the team that decides which resources (aka people with roles) to release, he says: that guy does a lot for us, it would be a mistake. Don't fire him. (referring to... Himself) honestly, i don't really know what he does.. 

I was blind. I wanted to be blind. Because i did not have a job before and I came here by that reason, kind of, a program that had a partnership with the enterprise, so who cared about networking, it didn't make any sense if I came the same way to work in there. But yeah. Some animals are more equal than others and some animals know better to build up a strategy to grow faster, the question left is if they pass by other people or not.

I am not perfect, so if they don't fire me, i am okay, if they fire me, i would be a little sad for some of the people I've met, of all what I've built at volunteering and knowledge resources, but okay. I was blind and it is not the paradise promise. That's it.

It might affect obviously that i still don't feel sure about this path and feel much like a failure and fake at programming or maybe I'm just tired. 

Soon I will know.

I am not scared anymore.

 Just tired.