i might just say it's a fuckin vizzio
That I like to generate and be fed by toxicity
But i still like her
Otherwise why did i look back to her place or looked into that direction as if i would find her eyes staring into mine when i spend time with other people
Why did i want her to see me and i got a little sad when she wasn't there anymore
It might just be a mind trick to get away the holes and emptiness I'm living right now
But before he talked to me on vacation, first i started loving myself and then I thought of her of how much I wanted her to be there with me
But and big one, she didn't talk to me during that period or showed she missed me or remembered me...
But a couple days ago she said
I wanted to say hi, but you were never alone, you always had a company...
Why would that matter, i told her she was always welcome
But then
That obviously got me into over thinking
If she does want to spend time with me
Does she?
I feel the urge of calling her
To be brave, stop conforming with men tha easily get close, to dare talking to her on Tuesday and finally inviting her anywhere, who cares where
it would just be an excuse
But what if she says no, what if she tells other people
Argh
But this is killing me inside
Somebody wrote that depression was the opposite to expression.
It might be true we are owners of what we keep for ourselves but slaves of what we say. But it's a burden already to keep all secret and inside of me. I have so much energy and it's exhausting me because i never use it, so it consumes me inside out. Not outside in.
And i wanna tell her. It's killing me. I don't wanna care about being rejected. Anymore.
If i don't fight for what i want, for what i really want instead of just looking to the side passively, someone else will take it or make it and I'll always be sad and regretful of all i could have done. All those crazy ideas, moments, feelings in my head that are fighting to explode and be exposed.
It doesn't matter if I'm wrong, I'll never be alive without exploring life and feelings.
What matters the most is what i want, not what others want from me, or want me to look like, or even what they want me to do. What i want and what i feel. Those are key. And no one else but me is being able to give them to me.
I won't say no to you. I'm the first jumping into that boat and leap of faith and crazy adventures you would imagine. Always. Wake up. Yours is the name I'll never forget even if you don't mention me or present me properly as the big deal i am.
Fuck this.
Remember me. It's all what matters, the first and last person to live with. Me.
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