your power ha? first a hug, then shoot me down

Un abrazo antes del shock o parálisis

Dispara, 

no te preocupes 

Ya me han intentado matar varias veces

Omitido, ignorado y negado otras más 

Shoot me down

I will shoot too.

I was just thinking, I know you've failed a little lately, I've done it too, and I've been permissive because life happens, but I noticed even if everything went too fast it still hurts a little, your absence 

But work and people that make you feel happy come first 

If I am not on the list, but only words of asking for forgiveness it's okay, you care, but not enough to keep this real and it's fine to leave it just at that level. If it doesn't just flow let's not force it

The frenchy taught me, I failed him once telling him that I wouldn't come, but he tried again and it worked, so the second time was nice

I finally opened up again. I don't want this pain again or being left heartbroken or with hearts on the trash bin burning. 

If you can't follow up, it's okay, I'll have to keep on looking to relationships that accommodate to my needs better, a better fit that includes me on the list without having to beg. 

I don't want to compete for attention, i want to know if some time it will be my turn. 

I just hope you're not bad

Porque no sobran las personas en quienes puedo confiar 😬

Y se rebalsa en el wc la lista de quienes se han alejado en y por la distancia

Yo me distancié en mis vacaciones, me desconecté de todo, olvidé nombres, solté relaciones disfuncionales y me llené de mí misma sin necesidad de nada más hasta que ya no. 

Cuando viví la oscuridad, corrí hacia la luz y salté hacia la libertad, jugué, volé, no paré, pero en cuanto escuché el silencio absoluto y tuve un poco de miedo tú seguías escribiendo, entonces ya no pude olvidarte y recordé tu nombre al fin con un truco. 

Estaba sorprendida gratamente de que permanecieras en contacto para contarme cualquier cosa, preguntarme lo básico, y yo me dije, bueno, será lo que siempre pasa y tendré que vivirlo otra vez hasta que termine como siempre 

Y bueno, después, bicicleta, alegría, crema, agua y libertad 💜🎉💪🏾

Y yo quería repetirlo

Hasta que 

Vi cosas, escuché otras 

Y dijiste que había un conflicto 

Y volvió el miedo

Miércoles. 

Una eternidad

Quisiera que fuera lo obvio y aún así sería complicado si lo fuera

Porque autoestima, apego e inseguridades 😬

Pero si fuera algo grave vinculado al control y al no consentimiento. Al bullying y a las malas lenguas 

I would stay away for a bit, but not forever 

Only to recover from the pain

But maybe you would. 

In my dream you drifted away to the mountains and woods with your friends and I stayed there paralized

With a neutral expression to the outside but feeling a little sad inside, because I wouldn't be going to the woods too with you, feeling uninvited or an unimportant guest to participate, at least not important enough to be included (it wouldn't be the first time, though) or still shocked for something that happened and not being able to move forward 

And you, you were happy, elegant and smiling

Your friends followed you happily too

How wouldn't they? You're a great person. Well deserved. 

And also recognized by others. 

I woke up and I was happy for you 

You said I was a sun... 

Yo creo que sería un sol de noche 

It's okay if you leave

Leave before I start believing I am in love with you or actually start doing it

It's okay if you leave

I don't know how to keep and manage healthy relationships on the long term, but at least I know now and I am capable to recognize which aren't the ones I deserve in order to push the toxicity away

But also, I still don't know how to have those difficult conversations to fix stuff and relationships I do care about 

Adams... 

Attachment? 

Her... 

Him...

Limerence? 

MANGO 

Me... 

Miller... 

Wednesday... 

You... 

I don't want to go there and be passive and wait for the conflict to be undone in front of my eyes

To only receive the burden and not acting for building a solution 😒

I want to be strong, resolutive

Happy, decisive, persevering, flexible, intelligent, brave and free

Step by step.

You can stay or you can go

I won't keep you waiting.

And if you would come back

I am easy to find

And if it would be that little lie that we both left unclarified 

I already know the answer, I won't fall into desire.

Tengo que seguir avanzando aún con los desafíos que se presenten, está bien, gracias por los avisos del mundo feo que existe, los intereses interesados, las trampas, no ser tan ilusa, idealista e inocente, pero sigo queriendo ser parte de quienes co-construyen uno mejor: por mí, por todas las personas, sola o con quien desee avanzar hacia allá. 

One way or another. 

Con un mini impacto o uno más grande. Simplemente, no puedo mirar para el lado, no soy así y mis prioridades son yo, mis metas y sueños.