vi un video que esclareció mis dudas

 lo bueno de la pandemia era eso

se me había olvidado

    que inevitablemente te das cuenta de que no había nadie ahí 

que estabas sola

y que debías avanzar como fuera

ahora me creé una especie de ilusión

y sí de vez en cuando hay personas

pero nadie va a venir a cumplir mis deseos o sueños y menos si no los saben ni yo los sé

y nadie estará ahí

so por qué no ahorrarme el mal rato we ir solo a lo que me interese a pasarlo bien

aunque sea con desconocidxs

aunque sea sin compromisos

eso fue lo que decidí

estudiar y pasarlo bien, sobrevivir

y ya

No debo tolerar lo intolerable

no son tiempos ya

quizás muero mañana y solo sufrí

I don't want that

the light that neever goes out is yours the rainbow in the dark is you

because whern you die it dies with you

ncver forget.

I state now this

I won't have those shits this week

at least until tuesday at six o'clock for social issues I put stupidly myself on because of being left waiting for fuckin 30 minutes without any notification

and as story repeats itself that other girl appears again

and is the only shit that appears on a friday night

life sucks but you decide

at least I know what I don't want.

I don't want that in my life and I don't care if that is intolerant unless you can give me better arguments to change my mind.

It is not only about emotional intelligence its about getting out of sight of people that share their toxic shit or treats you or gives you only that

ENVIRONMENT MATTERS.

and you don't have to be always kind and sweet if they are treating you trashy

making you feel as you wouldn't matter and giving a fuck about solving their pendent issues with you.

bbehaving as fucking cynnical shit,

you lost me.

Don't change for me, change for yourself. If you have to change to be with others then you are not being real you are being fake that makes you tired and makes me not trust you. 

So fuck this.

I remembered my birthday, trash I received a of fuckin' gifts but no valuable time with no one

and my uncle had just died the day before

one of the worst birthdays of the list

there wasn't anybody there.

But then they sang to me in the other enterprise I used to belong two or three days afterwards

but my leader knew when it was, wished me a good one and said nothing publicly. And I judged him for that and for giving me never any valuable feedback. So I left.

I feel better now, but still lost. Still cold and the ones who where when I was at the darkest times kind of are fading away, too busy too boring too cynical but you, you weren't there.

You just disappear. And those feel the worst to me. I don't know if I will be able to handle it any longer. Sometimes it was good relaxing improving my performance to meet you but I mostly remeber the stress and uncertainty of not knowing if you would finalyy come or what shit happende to you the day before with anything you were suffering by the moment. 

You said we choose to love

I don't know. Maybe.

But I tend to choose leaving painful relationships. Or t least spending less time with those who make me feel like trash, like warm but dying burning future, with dead nature even if I try to grow plants in there. The food's always been cold anyways...

And what could I do?

I've never had a healthy one, I don't know how is it like

so, be tolerant with me too.

Here, there is this value to be kind and tolerant with people and that's one of the reasons I stayed, and this is been for real the current most long lasting relationship I've ever had and I am not paying them for a service or attention, so, I count it as one.

I need to feel that love or it is a dead corpse, a ghost at most that I can't feel or only makes me feel scared

and I am not feeling it through that treatment and that is it.

***

Here there is this value to be kind, here I learn a lot if I want to, grab some fruits with difficulty from this jungle

ask the other animals for help...

I am still lost and I don't see clearly a way and I've not used my creativity to solve it or I feel like that

I've been acting automatically with little winds of experimenting and exploring and fun

but there it is a little cold

especially, when there is no one near to help or to listen cold cold cold

and only when I come tear to that lake it feels better and more peaceful

I can rest watch it calmly

be on my own

just being there 

it feels good but probably I won't grow in there or maybe I could only rest there and come back to the jungle again and again

and I am not sure if I wanna cross it to reach the other side even if I like mountains because it is a dry place with burnt trees and almost no nature, no space to learn, no help, no one, nothing. Dry. And if there is people they are far far away. I am all alone.

I've always been.

I guess it is because no one else I've known it's been in the same place as me and I am still looking for mine. I know where it is not, but I still don't know where do I belong.

I've been having too much free time and therefore spending more time with my family and it feels less horrible than before but still

you end up feeling like trash marking all your mistakes and no value and lack of future all your disadvantages, you start feeling trashy and then you try to fix that feeling going out with a guy. That only thinks about food and who knows what else, he seems to be kind but sometimes it feels as if he just wouldn't be there. Or we start atalking about the same shit over and over I feel not listened and it doesn't feel as nice as it felt before, like it was all lies just to get me to trust him.

Or this girl that writes to all the girls to see them at the office or something like that but then she gives no answer.

we are broken souls here.

but just leave me alone this week.

Unless you truly give importance to my feelings and processes just leave me alone.

I don't wanna give a fuck about your judgements or any shit your absences

Minderwertigkeit. Bye.

It is enough by myself.

Go, fuck others.

I am staying here by the warm side of the lake as long as necessary if you miss me you could make me notice and that is it.

Fuck this fuck all this time I lost on people that didn't value mine.

Didn't honor my existence and made me feel left out not belonging.

I won't tolerate that shit no more as much as I won't tolerate gender related issues.