me pides que escriba pero solo puedo escribir cosas tristes[old: pandemics-jobless-times-writing]

 me pides que no coma sola

pero cuando quise hacer eso me preguntaste si aún no tenía mi grupo de amigos

me dices que tenga una marca personal

y no sé quién soy si estoy a la mitad del puente entre lo que era y lo que quisiera ser

me dices que sane mi alma y sane almas

por mi pertenencia a un espacio patrimonial

pero no vengo de ningún lado

what am I

"Seine Muttersprache klingt wie Speck mit Paprika und Sahne."

qué escribo si ya no vivo outside que es donde pasaba la magia, la reciprocidad

mi identidad digital es de consumo desinformado

who am I

 me dices que escriba contigo y después ya no me respondes

"me dicen que viva que diga lo que ellos quieran". No.

Me dicen que diga lo que yo quiera decir

que tengo una guitarra y una voz.

que sea yo

que cree 

que crea en mí 

que me organice y sea disciplinadx

que me quiera y me autocuide

que me atreva

pero que ya me queda poco para cumplir dos años.

Quién soy  

si ya no escribo bien o si la razón por la que escribo es social

quién soy si la razón por la que me interesa lo que me interesa es mi propia historia

cómo hago lo que me mueve si estoy en constante pugna contra ello que no quiero ser

como ser organizadx si no quiero encasillarme

cómo hacer algo distinto y ser estratega si lo encuentro falso

maybe I just need a friend

and that's why they pay people

they pretend to listen to them and to be empathetic

when they're not.

They just learned that in their careers

Today I ate just one time and breakfast

I have everything I have everything they say I say 

but I don't feel like eating

even if it tastes good awesome I didn't enjoy it

I used to eat alone

I don't know where I belong if I belong

I still feel trapped and that's recurrent

and there am I expecting somebody to talk to me just because of being there as if they would know me

and it just stays there and then I destroy myself

because of "rejection"

or I destroy my own body (not eating-skin picking) because I don't fullfil my own expectations or plans of what I was supposed to be doing because this was the right time

and that was the answer

motivation goes to jail and here am I

feeling like crap because of these meaningless relationships build on the scarce social networks I got

nice to meet you have a nice day

there are little real connections but I lost the number or I feel that I didn't accomplish their fuckin' expectations to call them again

but it's all in my mind you know

maybe they don't even remember me or if they do they might not be as judgemental as I am

but here am in the self-pity journey

without coming to an end and feeling lack of control of my digital identity and resources

hating them because of them not fullfilling my expectations

hating myself because of not doing something to shorten those gaps

and this fuckin' coronavirus will last for fuckin' ever

it came back to those european countries and I wanted to do that volunteering

 and now what? another failure?

22/10/20

23:31