things

The most hurtful thing is to not pay attention to what lies in the heart and trying to forget it.

Because of believing you Lack the capabilities to fully accomplish that and then slowly forgetting your dreams because of not knowing which steps to take in order to reach them. 

Longing... 

Belonging sometimes

.

Feelings

But sense meaningful work only is to do what the Client wants. 

What do I want? 

what would make ME want to have another arm like stitch?

Is this? Do I have to have more patience? 

Is it Facilitation?

Are relationships after all or it was only that this activity broken down my daily boring Life while working and learning remotely locked in my tiny space and chaotic room? 

It really woke me up... And even so, I could raise my own voice even if it was silenced by uncomfortable people that didn't trust me or I reminded them of bad or difficult situations at their work... 

Could I turn on the camera and be happy meeting after Meeting on an infinite loop? Or could I just be in Peace looking at my tired face reflected in the Monitor? 

I like reusability

But I am missing creativity and critical thinking, so much. 

So much automation and I ended up Automated myself.

But it was on me that structured control freak Part. But I don't know or I am no longer sure if that is originally Part of me or imposed because of my try and mistake approach to Life and learning. 

Whatever.

The Thing is that right now if I don't control how I am going to arribe to some place or how I will arrange a meeting or anything...

It stresses me out. But I am still la y plus tired ti di something about it different than just claiming.

Productivity.

Just words. 

Creativity just copying other people's ideas present them as yours and rob them.

Relationships, just a Touch and go Thing you will forget about me after all. 

And if not I will end up hurt and Purposeless by hearing too much to your own Problems and Not hearing myself and my needs.

This is been already a year. I don't know how or why. Probably they doubt me as much as I do. This weird relationship. The longest I have ever had when not playing the other to give me a Service or attention.

Sometimes or many times when I feel happy I tend to forget it is a workplace. But it is.

And that's it. You can have good bosses and Bad and intermediate ones. So i have to remember the decisión I made yeah I am not learning and having so much practical experience with a client but I am having more follow up and feedback to improve. Just a little bit. And I am having space to do more than just my Job and Support and generate activities for important causes to me. But it's been hard. All the barriers they put. A month already has passed away and it is still not solved. And I am so tired. 

And the other Thing is that those activities not necessarily directly help you to reach better positions and opportunities, it seems to be something about contacts and stuff I still don't get. The Stars. Lost. Recognition. But no Promotion. Stars but no money. Soul. Broken. Unidirectional.

Rejection. Soledad. Cold. Cold. Cold. Imagination. But no Action. Action with acting but no conviction.

Acting because it is the only Thing left for young people like me if not having those transformational skills needed in the market for careers like mine. I could turn back to investigate - not with certainty-but one Teacher noticed or seemed to have noticed my Talent of noticing everything at the same time through my observing skills.

But

 They turn into dust locked down in this tiny place with no stimuli on a daily basis. 

Anyways, it wouldn't make me happy if it has no use. The result of the investigation. At least this helps someone to do their Job or to win more money. That is what I tell myself. 

At least, at least, at least...

I wanted to win more money or "decent" money.

 So, I wasn't wrong at that time. I guess.

 I wonder if I had never learned a little about programming languages, would I have had to learn them anyways afterwards or my career path would be different from these indicators of Performance of a Software?

Does this make sense?

At least it is more concrete than anything that I have done before. But I have done too little still.

But those temporary and atemporal Jobs didn't make any sense either too me. Too many expectations in my head and fucked up by the theory when it comes to Reality. On my brain. Saddened by the selfishness and Lack of collaboration of my colleagues and precariedad of the future... That is why I changed the career path. But I am still unsure of my decision.