bah I didn't learn I've been hiding all along

I've not been grinding all my life, I erased whatsapp

Due to my nerves a couple days ago and for that hate for those kind of people i talked about on the last post and I went to ride my bicycle at night so fuck this sucker

I turned into more like a man minding my own business and needs but not being able to express them to others as also my feelings 

So, here i am. But i enjoyed the ride

Specially going down

But well 

I've been hidden and being alive like a plant about to die

But the good thing is I'm no longer pleasing anyone. If they can't stand my more masculine hidden embarrassed side they don't deserve me

And here i am alone. Again :p

Still with balls inside my boobs, so maybe one day I'll be a man for real or I'll die. 

I had a weird dream last night maybe about fears or stuff but there were also nipples involved in a weird part of the dream i don't remember anymore at the bathroom 

But the main part of the dream was us trapped in a hallway because there were robbers or something and therefore guys with guns and we couldn't get in or out. They told me when i asked lne of them That they weren't so dangerous but there was a line of people near the outside door that lead to the parking lot with guns and the more near you came in that row into the supermarket or anything that was on the other side there was people with food and delicious desserts, so the dream was like a mix of vol special and that horrible movie of the elevator thing with food. I was starting to feel trapped so i came to a tiny bathroom, opened a window and went down a weird stair but then i don't know anymore what happened 

If the bad guys were there i don't know anymore. 

I've been watching 2 broke girls and they still don't make it to stop beibg poor and unlucky which makes me sad and mad at the same time, but they still got jobs as i still do

I love max and kat dennings, obviously 

And I'm still like those times at which i was alone on the vacations with no invitations or friends, but i do have a job and i am tired and fall asleep due to that at nights and don't make it until the hours i used to stay so i guess i am much better now than before. If that doesn't mean that i am older now. 

Besides, one of the girls that helped teachers ar the university that i loved was almost the president but another asked me to recommend her to work where i am working now. 

Everything goes rounds and rounds and you never know what is going to happen, right? 

Yesterday, when i came out obviously not willing to talk to anyone 

I had to put some air to the wheels that were more needy of air than i am of hugs at nights and i had to do it three times. The first time a guy was using that thing to put air at the gasoline station uff that wheel needed it more than anything, but it didn't work for him and he left, i neither offered him help, anyways i would not have been able to. Then, it was my turn but another auto came and it was Friday night. who would expect so many people out putting air to their wheels?? and yeah they were with their fuckin lights on and i felt observed and it didn't work either for me and then a zzz-pronouncing-words guy looking just like him r-guy-first-leader-i-"fell-in-love-with" -limerencia at my other job appeared and told me oh it won't work, it happened to me, it doesn't fit the bike hole, go down to the bikes station for free, fuck off i thought and now i think maybe i looked like a poor girl. 

Fuck off i said in my head and left that place then i came into another gasoline station near the ahumada drugstore, the shell, and there i could make it work for one wheel but the other i still could not manage to put air on it. It was not straight, just like me i tend to believe believe day by day, at least i am sure i hate dressing formal or like a woman should do. Well, then another fuckin auto appeared with a whole family inside and also putting those lights into my face, i felt even worse, i wanted them to leave but they wouldn't do that. i even kicked my head on the bike by accident when that thing that outs the air started making a lot of air noise and couldn't stop, i felt so much observed, so embarrassed, i got nervous second by second. After struggling with that, i left that place knowing almost for sure that that wheel still needed air and i went down with the memory of the copec gasoline station in my mind and with the hope there it could finally work. I arrived at the copec gasoline station and it reminded me of a dream i once had that had a place just lookin like this. Then i saw the machine to put air and put 20 or something, but it still wasn't working and then a woman with weird stickers with colors between her eyes said after a while she waited on her truck if she could help me. I was there hating life and people as usual and with my most full of hatred and monotonous voice i answered something i don't remember anymore but i said it wasn't working for me to manage putting that air machine into the hole of the wheel, she helped me and told me i had to put more air that 20 and she raised it up, then her 2 male friends appeared and helped us. One even taught me where i had to read the need of air number of the wheels, 40 to 60, ou i was totally wrong. I wondered how much air the auto would need then... I almost asked them. 

They helped me and i was embarrassed, said thank you and sorry and left smiling like an idiot and willing to be their friend too, because they were nice and kind people for real and those kind of people are hard to find these days. And then i was riding as i noticed i forgot the little thing to close the hole of the wheel. More embarassed than before, i came back and there she was, this woman with kind of blonde hair and weird stickers on her faceputting air into her truck holding that tiny thing that closes the hole of the wheel beside hers and telling me which one it was and i said thank you again and left. Well 

Lesson is there is still good people that are hard to find and again life is not equal to work, so go out of it or at least get a life additionally to it please. The guys shining in there could be nobodys in the real world so don't get shady and grow a pair and get to know other people, but... 

how? 

I almost asked them if they were going to vacations or anything... 

how do i start a conversation without asking for advice or help

 i don't really know honestly. I just know i liked them. All. Even the guy that taught me while putting light from his cellphone into the wheel of my bike to know how much air they needed, even that woman with the weird stickers, even me judging everyone and feeling accepted anyways, all i needed. I felt like a person with needs that were paid attention to, a person that deserved help even when acting like an asperger person that tries to get you out or push you far away, a human after all that needs to be seen and treated as one. 

And that's my story. 

I'm grateful again of life for proving me wrong, but sad about myself and my fears that keep locking me down. 

Just like with zayn... The pandemics has been there for a much longer time with me and these needy moments of love and hugs i get time by time have been since long ago with me too.

What do i do about it when i am still full with fears? 

Yesterday, I even preferred to die fastly while riding my bike that doing other stuff like normal stuff normal people do like turning their camera on while talking to each other or to their customers. Pandemics feelings again. A guy who allegedly got covid after meeting his family again, i gave him everything, chocolate books everything, i feel so embarrassed now, only to thank him that he still talked to me... when my granny stopped talking to me for the first time, now he doesn't want to give me my books back. Or he really does have covid. I don't know which is worse but he fuckin lied, he told me i deserved all the stars he had and did not give me any, he said that my granny was losing to spend precious time with me, he told that he cared about me and my feelings. But all he did was forgetting what i told him, making me feel needy, leaving me lonely making me feel lonely, while he was looking at his cellphone on a holiday, talking about money, talking trash about the enterprise that we both work in, while talking about the top 10 shitty places to eat, to watch, to fuck, anything top 10 shit and manipulating the situation to take us to them and making it look like a commonly taken decision. And the worst of all is that that epoch wasn't the worst for me in terms of being needy. But i don't want to talk about the other guys that i believed i fell in love with now that even were of other countries and obviously they were also coworkers 

where would i meet people if i have been living for school, that school won't let me come in anymore, then for the university and then nothing or getting mad at home and then living for work while living in my small room or chaos-full-of-memories place. And these days it is really hot in there and i mean literally, not tempered like some like it to be or cold as in winter, warm to hot and i can't think clearly there either now, so i usually think in the bathroom or in any other place of the house, because in my so called "room" i am a ghost in the machine, an automated survivor vegetable or plant. 

~Could you make me happy? 

I must be one, otherwise how my parents haven't still fired me from my room and put all my trash were it belongs with that huge mess...

And this is me overthinking again while not taking drugs of a psychiatrist nor doing meditation,even my beautiful boss sent me a book for that when i told her about the whatsapp accident.

 I love her. I sent her a hugging_face sticker on telegram from over the garden wall and she sent me a thinking frog 🐸😍💜

I still love her, if the client fires me again, and that would be the third time already, i am a gone girl for real, like I'm out don't ever call me again i don't want this unstable hiring love anymore, but if they don't i would still stay, i won't go to a place that is worse than in here. I learn technology stuff really slow but i grow a lot about the other stuff related with work and power, and numbers and being a resource; but with feelings. Too many feelings, like those monkeys of that experiment and that were attached to a robot that made them feel loved even if those robots didn't really have any feelings for them. Just like my job does, if you're not taking care about yourself nobody does and that's some learning I've been having and my beautiful boss tried to teach me🤗, i tend to learn her lessons late. 

But I'm still so fuckin afraid, the fear is huge and is asking myself subtly what if when i finally get back from my 3 week vacation that pm arranged firing me - from that enterprise that has been the place I've felt the happiest in my whole entire life - for any reasons she affords to find out? 

My heart starts pumping so fast, i can even feel it coming almost out of my chest and it got so loud when i just wrote that and thought about that awful possibility. Truly, I had to start breathing in and out consciously. I tell myself it is nothing, life is not only work, but still that jobless time was the worst. And work is still life for me. Meaning. Even with a no meaning job. It gives me reasons to stay alive.

Reasons to think well i am not working at my career and matters i studied and loved and imagined myself doing to improve the world but I'm not a failure. I got a job. In that stupid fuckin binary shit all people ask you i am a yes i am included i have finally a little money. I do have a job even in these hard times. But still i feel like an impostor most of the times, wondering when they will discover that i don't work that i keep on looking at rhe cellphone like a mad person looking for novelty at the asylum. 

And i wasted the morning sleeping, watching 2 broke girls and the afternoon writing this, how could i feel proud of this tired of doing nothing person. I wish i wouldn't be tired for doing nothing or whatever i do at work besides getting stressed because the customers do what they want and it is getting frustrating lately. 

Yeah, don't tske it too personal they said 

How do i? 

It's my life, my independency. 

I wonder how is fbi these days, i miss her too.