th saddest thing in this moment is not being alone

Or friendless as usual

Besides, relationships are temporary illusions 

It is having no happiness or motivation to learn new things

Being so tired that you just do it automatically 

But the saddest most saddest wasn't either they wouldn't answer my survey

It was that day that even songs didn't make any sense to me neither helped me coming out of the hole and i just thought of dying

I wish i wouldn't think so much and feel thqt nothing and quietness as a good thing letting go like mooji says

But the ones i let go

They don't come back

Honestly i don't know why

I just wanted to catch one lately 

It still hurts 

But my granny also said he wasn't right for me and made it filthy

Then that woman appeared and also told me this was work not a friendship making place and that recognizing me for what i do is different to concrete actions that show they really care

There, i died again. 

The funniest part is that neither of both women talk to me nowadays.

Well, after trying to sleep i was feeling better but after i wrote this my head started aching again. 

There is no team player today. Just survivors. Going day to day trying to safe their own face. I am sad. I wanted to dump and not be the one that was dumped. But i've still not found any other place to go.

So, i stay looking there at the cellphone over and over again no control

Waiting for nothing really

Only for the calendar telling me the next meeting i have to go to.

Day by day. 

I wondered last day if i wanted to keep living this way. I said no. But what am i going to do then. Then i remember the world turning day by day more it-ish and i can't leave, once you're out, you're out.

I saw a woman that got a public job at a municipal place but i checked her profile and she had also other jobs running at the same time (as i used to, ups). Well, i am currently doing so, but as a subcontractor. Putting my head in the cloud while i present another shit the client doesn't give shit about.

 It's depressing to think about the before me thinking i was going to change the world or something like that and now I'm living just for the day, surviving. 

But then a little hope emerges, that little tiny shine, as he said, obviously no longer a flame i am too tired, that shine with no money related but showing me there is still some people there that are good people for real and not just for recognition that leads to growing their careers. Yeah, i am too involved in here. I've told myself to get a life outside work, but i am pretty much a software engineer stereotype now, here locked up in my room barely coming out as if i would be in jail.

I don't know, i got opportunities i never thought i would take at topics thst weren't the most liked by me, but you know looking at employment statistics this is way more possible as with social sciences, but I've noticed they are getting lost even in values day by day.

Yeah these opportunities that I've taken i never thought i would have done before. I wouldn't have even believed 5 years ago if somebody would have told me what i would me doing today. But yeah. Here i am, and almost 2 years already and i still doubt if this is the right way to be happy, to create value, to grow, even to get that house with a trampoline to jump all rhe times i need to jump and forget about everything...

Because honestly i only get happy when it finally works and that lasts a couple of moments and also requires lots of patient, efforts, help, tutorials and so on and so on.

And that me that once wanted to change the world was also - when faced to reality - surviving day by day herself and her family and not being able to get the dreamed job to change the world or getting financial support to make projects that would change the world.

And there i remember, Marina T, still pending talking to her.

All pendings still remain in my head, but writing it down relieves my head a little. No headache anymore.

But yeah, returning to the first couple of phrases, i left and now she's leaving too even when i paid her, isn't is funny, i used to thinl yeah, lonely people have to pay someone to listen to them and getting advices, but yeah, even with money, nothing really stays but me.

And i was sad the first time i wrote it but it is not so bad. At least it means money isn't the most important thing ever and that it is also a pre-emptible shit, it gets over and it doesn't help you getting your shit solved. The most important thing is. 

It is

Me. 

Even if i am so tired i didn't even care to be called another name today.

You stay.

Why is it so hard to get?

When i got so tired that i didn't care anymore if they fired me because i was having a really bad time i was caring about me

I wanna feel that again

How

I really hurt myself more than some times

Why am i blind

Like Lapislazuli or those onigiris

I wanna see the fruit the colorful mess

Without needing somebody else's approval or loveeeeeee 

I hope i improved since last time or the last guys i used to like

Weird times we are living

Remember lacan, we are being watched from multiple perspectives 

There are multiple points of view don't see it as a rejection of yourself or core beliefs see it as an opportunity to learn. Yeah that was it, my favorite learning activity. I've lost it due to meetings, being tired and wanting recognition that didn't arrive ever.

Now, i am just getting some shadows of it and no team player supports me as i do, that still hurts, but well it might not be at their core values, they just give what they learnt to give. 

I trust i will come to a better place, just some no's more and i will come. I swear. Like i told that ugly woman - that pretended to be nice and caring towards me amd others but she's just selling that brand-, i don't give up. I will come in another way.