well yes

Still not asking chat gpt

Still searching on Google for what to do with my life

Even if dumped or abandoned by anything 

I noticed now

My brother only likes me when no one else is around because he needs to touch things and yeah things... 

If I am freaking acting like being alive and not as a zombie he hates me again 

At least I can recognize it now

Call me I trust nobody and it is true

But a lady of my university I used to want to meet to like "reconnect with my past relationships" made a bit of less possible for us to meet- but I have to be honest about it, I'd forgotten ir already with all the stuff I postponed and that meeting ger wasn't at the top of the list honestly - but yeah

 I feel like she doesn't want to meet me

And that's even worse than the guy that promised me stars and everything, but couldn't stop looking at his cellphone on a vacation day and he still got my books

Shit. 

Okay I notice now 

But life's worse now

I want to still believe that when I am 30 I won't be here any longer and I wouldn't if I would get the cash my brother told me today he is getting 

Why is he still here??? 

Whatever i don't know anymore if I feel pity for myself still being in here with my parents or him doing the same and having at my perspective enough money to live on his own... 

But yeah he's got friends and that stuff also that belongs to normal people do

I would feel jealous if I wouldn't be in this depressive mood that reminds me of every vacation I spent alone in the past due to not having friends, just in the same time of the year. Depressive mood started with my birthday and is still not gone away. 

But yeah that part of being fakely happy and stuff 

Ich habe keine Lust to do that now

All I want is to be hugged by a robot now, a robot that I've still not built 

One like that woman of Antropóloga en la luna story, that biologist Temple woman, nope, ups, is oliver sack's Antropologo en marte, her name is temple grandin, what she built

Or at least some huge soft thing like the one of this cruel experiment with those monkeys

And yeah I don't feel so bad because I still feel that with all of my not having nothing else but me and all my flaws 

He looks at me like I would have something he doesn't and that makes him feel annoyed I wish I would know what it is to feel great about myself some time

Or well all this having to check everything so I am not insulting his majesty thst gets easily bothered by any tiny little anything 

Would be a good reason of me restricting all my words and real me way of being alive to not insult no one. And yeah, 2 times this week they told me I wasn't hurting them or anything when I asked them actually a bit worried 

Just thay horrible old woman is still there and I told her everything even about this brother shit. That's why I am a shell now. Probably, I haven't even gone to the market to buy stuff. Anything, I just don't trust nobody. But me. 

Maybe the night time my dreams will let me know... 

Why do I need empathy in my life? 

Why isn't there already a sitcom about people who studied my career and couldn't afford working on it? There are about those guys at the big bang theory and it is pretty boring... Ours would be much more funny, like those jokes about your own pain 

M that is why i liked 2 broke girls even with those horrible and unnecessary jokes sometimes and many jokes that weren't even funny

But there was Max and even Caroline, you could relate to them because real life sucks so many times snd you're having to rebuild your plans over and over again because yeah you need your boss's approval to make things change and no, even if you are independent you're also having a boss, just temporary many bosses

It's just the same shit but less stable 

And with that psychologist leaving my life just when I was thinking to pospone it but feeling like I had so much to tell her xd, well I need some little stability in my life 

even if I know I am still standing as I have always been doing even with the suicidal thoughts being the only hug I've been receiving these years 

Maybe I deserved it, I left the other more present, bossy, more pachuli, more costly one, not the best way 

But I won't come back to her

I felt judged and more to say she supported that us young people to get less than a minimum wage due to having no experience 

Then I say okay if I would have that salary I obviously couldn't afford getting some mental support or any paid support either. So. Again. Alone.

 Even the paid ones are out. Just me and my self ~pity writing 😬

And not accepting other people's perspectives??, And taking things personally?? 

I just want my boss back 🥺

 

I still have me