van a ser ya 2 años and i still feel like a fraud

And i might well be one.

I must be 

No se puede vivir solo de tutoriales para siempre 

Ese es el fraude cognitivo

Pero está ligado al emocional

Y luego el vocacional

De si realmente deseo estar así toda mi vida frente a un computador haciendo cosas que no me importan realmente

Será porque no he desconectado hace ya casi 2 años 

Conectada a la base de datos del mundo del trabajo de la vida a la que no le importo

En modo automático

Pasando las hojas

Scrolleando

Solo por dinero

Then i die

Or i want to. 

If my heart would stop now

It wouldn't mean much

Just another life

An incomplete writing

Another incomplete code or phrase 

What am i

Why do i keep fighting 

Against what

Why do i not give up

What keeps me here alive?

Why did they both hire me when nobody did?

Why did they both hire me and then used me and pushed me out?

Why did i leave one place and now i wanna leave this? Why do i wanna leave everything?

When will they fire me

Again?

A dead plant

But still green

But not my pants 

bleeding the emptiness that i have become. 

What if what you like doesn't ever come back 

What if you think you can't handle it or don't deserve it or don't want to pay the price of being poor

What if what you want doesn't come back and you might be receiving what you need but you stay at the denial of service

Attack!

Self destroy 

Bored

Bored 

Bored

Search

Quick merge binary

What am i

A fraud

A tired one

Maybe a robot

Or a ghost of one.

I can't even write correctly anymore. Everything is a chaos. The same with code. I just go to it. No plan, no structure no diagram, just drop myself in the water of the tutorial. Maybe i will be drowning soon with the babylon song in my head. I tried to go down to eat 2 times. 

I didn't go.

I'm sad. There is no team. Just people saving their faces. Like a stamping, they pass over you and wait for their applause or the gift or the discount at the mall, the free pass to a concert or the good wine.