thinking 'bout ghost in the machine I want humanity but I need to think about remember the name

And I don't give a f**k

But I still do need a hug. 

Fuck these years 

All fuckin' guys thinking we have something special only by having shared a moment, a courtesy hello or a glimpse

It is crazy. 

The worst part: I can't get any real satisfaction from any

'Cause you can't trust them

And

And, a big one. 

You wouldn't get any from them

It's from women or yourself. 

I'd rather be a lesbian. 

But and big but

I haven't tried either. 

It feels like dying sometimes in here 

I live with feelingless robots

Talking parrots that sound like the same Radiostation that speaks about celebrities and their mistakes and interesting lives

And grumpy cats, lots of them

Sometimes also velociraptors with heels on their feet

But I am still grateful because I live in my room that assembles better a jungle than a room and I've still not been fired.

But inequality is still there, economy issues are as huge as my desire of jumping but the only ones that get to jump very often are the prices of... Everything

And, a big one again, I have been given 70 thousand shoes for my birthday which makes me feel again I don't belong there, where I've felt the most comfortable my whole fuckin' entire life. 

I don't want to give that up too unless I would find a better place 

But it fucks me over. 

Before I felt I was still doing it indirectly, the social stuff but no, they are more kind of colleagues and not beneficiaries, I might sometimes get more involved with some of them and they might win more money than me but having had children a long while ago. 

But honestly I like the effort stories of some of them, they are inspiring to me, to keep fighting for myself and my future too and it still makes me feel more comfortable than the places I left or made me left I've seen today some movement, for example, at gender issues, education stuff. It seems all to be only networking shit. 

It still hurts a little, but I wouldn't like to come back in any of those. I didn't feel comfortable there, there wasn't a good payment and there wasn't a growing perspective for my career, no learning of new stuff and there was no collaborative environment to the work they made me do, no support, only loneliness. And didn't see what they did so well to keep going and being there but taking other people's ideas and dumping you afterwards. It's shitty. Those aren't my values. 

Where I am is not free of that it is certainly not perfect but it is bigger and I can get to know a little amount of real people and maybe others that are only masks to keep on learning about the shit they leave on the grass to then clean it up and make them leave my life and never come back again inside. 

Because lucky me, I don't have to see them and neither work with them, they are just colleagues of a subcontractor different to mine. 

Benefits are benefits.

And that's it.

I guess I'll be coming here more often again because my psycho is on vacation and I got no human brother left now or only one that feels I am raping him when hugging and kissing him.

I don't want to be that. A rapist. That would be a contradiction. 

But where do you get free hugs again?

Or where can you hug dogs

I didn't mean hot dogs. Anything that doesn't get attached and i don't get attached to and keep going. 

Where did we come in this humanity. I've seen some advertising telling us to listen to people and to write down what they say or overhearing other people's conversations and writing it down... Ahm... 

That is what I've been doin' all my life until... Pandemics and all shit happened. (But it didn't give me no job, don't worry, and I don't use the public space so often and public transport anymore due to the viruses and being fearful, it will be a goal for this year I guess, I won't be living like a queen forever, I guess.) 

I don't know how to interpret those advertisements. 

Is it that we need more social scientists? or do we need people to be more human? Or does it mean that anyone can listen, reflect and write and be more empathic and improve the world? That last one sounds hopeful. 

But like she-M-the greatest said you wouldn't need to make a campaign about something related to empathy and being real if there wasn't a need to promote it, if there wasn't something dark going on somewhere to hide it with great marketing campaigns. 

That freaks me a little bit out. I've been so blind for so long. 

But I love that, that critic part is what I loved and still love about my past career not the blablabla not the network you need to get a job not the statistics and getting patterns out of people's behavior, no, the critical part and analysis of real life. That shit won't leave easily, I've been woken up, and no research on the internet and fuckin' stories you made up will get you back into my life, bitch.

I've been blinded by meetings and an automatic daily life shit but no.

You won't come in again sweety dear sucker. 

I prefer to be fuckin' alone than with a fuckin' liar, I fuckin' deserve fuckin' better, I fuckin' choose me and the fuckin' chicken with scars that ran back into me instead of staying in a cooler new place with a lot of space and let me stroke her on her back, her feathers and I would listen no more to my mom who told me to sit or stand on the harmed spots she had for no convincing reason, i knew it wasn't a good idea, it would break it up, follow our instincts and I loved her, I will take care of her until it stops hurting, but that means never. Until I die, then. Even of life smells like shit, is unfair and fucks us over and over and over again. 

And don't tell me I am wrong or that I judge too much, that I've got too high standards or expectations, no,I tend to choose wrong, that's it. I've met some that are more real, it means a better life and people exists in some planets I just need to leave my planet head sometimes and be brave to find them and not giving up, and putting myself and my needs always first. At least in that point, even if it is painful, my new robot brother is right, if you don't put yourself first no one else will do. 

Thanks. Thanks for staying there and taking care of my scars, some... Some are self made. Thank you for staying and not being scared about me hurting myself sometimes, thank you for always being there for me since my first cry at night on my bed when my robot family couldn't handle those emotions, oh they still can't. Thank you for being real and doing your best to improve, it is okay if you're tired now. Maybe it won't stop hurting, it's been too many years living the same way, but I will always be there to hug you and keeping yourself together, don't let yourself drown by the dark side and shitty voices that may be keeping you stuck. Shine bright and follow the light, listen to the darkness, kiss it and let it go, it has taken too much from you these years and it has to be over, but thanks to it you've gotten stronger. Don't lose the game. Grow and learn from others about the weakest parts you know already you've got and return back to the game more strategic but not losing yourself in the game, the heart and humanity should still remain inside. 

Shine and explode like a supernova.

I'll always be there, people come and go, come, take and leave but I am here forever 'till infinity, some day somehow maybe there will be some others, valuable ones, that will want to stay even if not sharing school, university, job place, hobby making place or any other institution where you can come in and out. I'll learn one day and I'll be happy not only with myself but with others too.

That is much more important than appearing to keep fighting for my old dreams, there arr others to seem to fight for those causes, you need to be strong there for the networking and toxicity and for the now changing day by day, too not concrete, I'll figure something much better out, you'll see, we'll be financially independent and will be making a good change in this shitty world.